Late night, life reflection.

It is currently 1:27 am and i have a morning lecture in school tomorrow but it just does not feel right to sleep now. I guess i like to do things at night. I am currently 22 years old and in less than 5 month’s time i will be turning 23 and it has got me thinking what have i achieved so far in my life? The answer is nothing.

I think as i grow older i have become a bigger failure. I used to do so well in school while i was younger. Discipline and hard work are definitely the keys to doing well in school. It meant everything to me when i was a child to excel in academics as well as sports because that would make my parents and teachers proud; i liked being praised for being smart and being the best at everything.

Then came the beginning of the downward spiral my life would take. I had chosen the wrong school to go to after my Primary School and THAT is the 1st regret of my life. If i could restart my life all over again I WOULD HAVE made a different choice. The school was really bad as well as some teachers. Back then i was trying so hard to be one of the ‘cool’ kids in school. Learned all the bad stuff and habits just to seem ‘cool’. IT WAS DEFINITELY NOT WORTH IT. I really hated myself for losing my own identity because i did not want to be left out or seem weird by my classmates.

When you lose your own identity and authenticity, you lose your value.

*If only i could time travel back to when i was 13, those words would be the 1st thing i say to younger self and i would do everything in my might to make sure i wasn’t going off the trail. If i could just follow the path i had already planned for myself instead of pandering after the non-existential ‘fame’ and ‘recognition’ in school as one of the badass-gangster-cool-kid.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE TO RETURN TO THE PAST AND I WOULD NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE(S).

Usually when people asks me about me, i wouldn’t know how to answer them because even i don’t know myself but one thing i know for sure is, i hate when things are going perfectly fine and something just messes things up. When situation like this happens in a video game, i would automatically restart the game and make sure i get that perfect high score. But life isn’t a game and there is no button to reset/restart. Wished i had listened to my mother. Honestly mothers are the best things (i can’t think of other words right now) on Earth. If only i had appreciated her teachings, i wouldn’t be loathing myself so much. Even i find myself a disappointment and a failure but my mother still thinks i am the best. She still think i’m studying hard and doing well in school but honestly i am not. I am struggling in school right now because in the past i had wasted 4 years of my life not studying and in that time the knowledge that i had missed to absorb is now haunting me – you know what i mean, i feel somewhat ‘intellectually handicapped’ when in a lecture room or examination hall next to a fellow classmate. I hate that. Time passed are regrets compounded by the second for me.

I hate myself so much that i think i’m better off dead sometimes but i’m afraid of death. I know there are still so many wonderful things in this world that i had yet to see and experience (not including the conflict and wars happening in the world right now), i can’t bring myself to just drop dead now AND I have not repaid my mum for bringing me up.

I need to get rich to give my mum a good life. I want to give her everything she wants and i remembered when i was young i asked her what was her dream or wish and she said to travel around the world. My mum is not educated at all, not even at the primary school level because in her era, her family was poor and she had many siblings and usually the elder siblings would give up their chance of education to their younger siblings so that they (younger brothers & sisters) can have a better life in future but i guess everyone in her family is a major disappointment, because despite her giving up her chance (she really wanted to go to school), none of her siblings appreciated having the opportunity to go to school. The biggest regret my mum have was not being able to get an education. For someone like my mum constantly wanting to learn and not being able to, pains me so much! Even until now my mum is unable to learn the things she wants because when a person is old the brain naturally just does not pick up things or learn fast and in addition to that, she hardly has time because she has to work to be able to send me to university. And here i am, year after year barely passing my examinations…

Sometimes at night, when my mum has fallen asleep i just look at her tired and fragile face; one that time has left its mark to remind me that my mum isn’t getting any younger, and i just can’t help but feel so sad. Not only has her family failed her but her only daughter that she trusts and believed in has failed her too. Tears would just flow out of my eyes and all i could do every time was cry silently. When it comes to revealing my weaker; more fragile side, i think it is embarrassing and i could never show it to my mum or dad. My relationship with my parents are complicated, I am not their biological child although still blood related, and after i found out that i wasn’t their biological child i couldn’t bring myself to interact with them as i did before (my love for them is still the same), which has caused me to sort of have like a split personality. I am always behaving in a manner that i do not like in front of them, sort of like a persona, the rebel-kid and rude-to-parents-child. I hate this persona that i adopt when i am with my parents because i really do not want to act this way around them but I HAVE TO because that is who I am/How i have been to them for so many years now. It is just weird to change my ‘attitude’ towards them even if it was years ago. I really really do love my parents but there is this invisible barrier that is always there and this inner obstacle i have within myself that i cannot get over to remove the mask i have been wearing. I am very worried that this ‘treatment’ i having been giving my parents  will become my life’s biggest regret one day when they are gone. The last time i said ‘I love you’ to my parents was when i was 6 – They forced the truth on me that i wasn’t their child and the shock and bewilderedness has caused a deep permanent scar in my heart. It is not that i cannot accept the fact that i am not their daughter but the way they delivered the news to me. They literally just forced me to address some stranger as ‘Father’ and ‘Mother’ without even explaining anything to me. IT WAS LITERALLY OUT OF THE BLUE and bam! “Call him papa, he is your papa, faster call him papa. Don’t be rude and greet your papa” that was what my adoptive father said to me when i was 6 and we were meeting my biological father for the first time and to me an naive child i thought we were just buying some duck wings from this vendor at the market!

I really don’t know how to put into words the feelings i had; even although it still feels fresh like it happened 5 seconds ago. I guess what i couldn’t accept wasn’t the fact that my adoptive parents aren’t my biological ones but how the truth was given/revealed to me. The way my father did it was horrible and it really did scarred me. I am now incapable of loving anyone other than the people i did up till when i was 6. I wished i could put into word those feelings but i just don’t know how to say it and making sure IT REALLY DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS ACCURATELY.

Every time i attempted to be nice to my parents, something inside my heart just pulls me back and I hate it. I really do not want not being able to say “i love you” to my parents to become my life’s biggest regret.

I hope they know that i love them so much even though i can’t say those words.

Maybe i should seek out a psychiatrist when i have the money. But right now, my goal is to try to start out my life again. Leave past regrets behind and move on, as easy as it is being said, i think it’s still a long way before i can really try to move on.

Sometimes people sentence themselves life-imprisonment in that dark little space of their inner hearts and minds, for the mistakes and setbacks that they have made, that they deemed themselves such a failure unworthy to ever see the better times ahead.

This mind-imprisonment is deemed as a punishment cruel enough but hardly deadly that my morbid mind has thought up of. I wished i was better than this that i could move on with my life and not take setbacks and bad memories too close to heart.

I am waiting for the day that some sort of miracle can happen and heal that broken hearted 6 year old little girl and the day that I am willing to forgive my 12 year old self.

 

 

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